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Writings, drawings, photography, art. "Adventure , fine beer , brains and no fear ."

Old habits 

Sometimes I feel like everything is an illusion. 

And the thoughts are filling out notebooks I didn’t even knew I still have. All these memories brought back to me by a simple smell or sound, seem like something from a movie I saw a long time ago. But I still think about you in every scene, and that whole life I had with you that I still miss. You know those mornings with the sun scratching my back and the soft cigarette smoke floating around? Or the cozy roads and routes I knew so well, with the sound of the city waking up and the cheap coffee warming up my hands. Or thoughts of you warming me up. The random plans with new people we barely met in the park, those days when you were trying to teach me how to play the guitar, and the ones in which we were staying inside because I just wanted to write a song. Long talks over bottles of wine, watching the cars moving so fast and wishing to be in every airplane we counted from the rooftop of the building. The wind whistling around while we share a cigarette on the side of the lake. Or those brutally honest words and kisses that were sending shivers all over our bodies, burning harder than the sunset skies. And your touch. Hard breath on my neck. Fingers intertwined. Souls combined and same heart beating. Am I romanticizing the past? I know I tend to do that when here and now are not good enough anymore. But I can’t romanticize the regret,can I? I wish I never left. The ashtray is now full of washed out promises and memories. And your name. Why can’t it disappear? And when are you coming back? 

Sometimes I feel like everything is an illusion. Everything besides you. 

Me. Again. 

A beautiful mess

This world is so fucked up that our first thoughts about anything are bad. This world is so fucked up it tells us we have to learn how to be alone and then we can be happy. Cuz no one will harm us, right? A happy life is a life without pain, right? No one can be perfect and only do good, and still everyone expects that from others. This world is so fucked up, it’s drowning in its own irony. 

It’s normal for people to harm each other in multiple ways. It’s predictable that people won’t treat you beautifully at all time. But neither will you. 

 So what about learning how to understand, accept and forgive, as much as you can. What about learning how to love as much as you can. Love so hard that you surprise yourself, and I’m not talking about that one person but about anyone and everything. Fall in love with life. Be happy it’s raining and don’t give a fuck about who looks at you dancing in the station. Someone might thank you for it one day cuz you made their day. Fall in love with the way people smile, gesticulate, explain and talk about things they love. They are unintentionally sharing the love and happiness, it doesn’t have to be intentional for it to matter. Be aware of it and pay attention. Love every person you get close to, from friends to those who get to be a bigger part of your life. From how they hug you and the attention they give you when you speak. From looks, to how they whisper in your ears, how they touch you and how you can share any coffee and cigarette you want with them. They will love it too, even though they don’t show it.

 “Or maybe they just use what you give.”

So what if they don’t give the same back? You don’t do it for “payment”. They feel good, you feel good, and love is all around you. It may be the last thing they are aware of, but you will be aware of it. It’s all that should matter.

So what if they are bad? What if they will do you bad? They are the ones that won’t get to feel as deeply as you do and won’t have any of that pleasure. They will feel bad for it too. Forget the armor you’re supposed to wear and give them anything you can: any good vibe, moment of attention and piece of love you can give. Make it seem endless by flowing sincerely, and you’ll observe it comes from within. Everyone is good at heart so you may as well be the first. 

It’s impossible not to feel good and loved too. Get addicted to that feeling and be selfish. Do everything for the sake of how you feel. You’ll know they can’t take that pleasure from you, because you are the source of it. Like that you’ll win. No matter what people will do to you, no one will ever have the power to harm you. Because you are and will be the energy, the power and the love itself. And you will never feel alone. 

-artwork by Kellan Hendry 

#randomthoughts #letmebe 

Sara, VII.IX.XVII, 8:32 

#randomthoughts 

” Loneliness is a sign you are in a desperate need of yourself. “So don’t worry. Breathe. Go pour yourself a glass of water from the fridge and feel it’s cold make your body shiver. Let it give you chills and throw away the memories of every moment he used to give them to you. Pour yourself a glass of water. 

Be indecisive. Allow yourself to not be able to choose between the water, a cup of tea that will make the whole room smell like tired autumn or the coffee that will wake the 3am out of you. Be indecisive.

But not only about those drinks. 

Rush slower and be patient. Let patience and love grow from yourself in such a way you inspire people. That’s how you should donate smiles. 

Allow yourself to get lost. Feel the late breeze on your cheeks and the coffee getting cold on your lips. 

Time will stop. 

Let it stop. 

Look at all the plants you grew in your room, like it would be your heart you’re taking care of. Even a corner of your soul. Remember all the expectations of good feelings you’ve had when watering them. Get lost in those illusionary moments. Or get lost on roads. Get in the bus and listen to your songs until you don’t recognize the streets the window is opening for you. And then smile cuz you have all the time in the world. No matter where you are, you can get off any moment and still find your home. Or a new one, with a bit of tired lights to give comfort to your cactuses. A candle. Or more. Allow yourself to get lost.Get mesmerized. Watch the sunset on the beach, let the waves take you on that boat you see far away and forget the cigarette is burning in your hand. Then the orange nail will whisper the art condemnation back to you. Or put every though on paper and let the color pour out of you depths, forget what time means and wake up with the brush in your hand the morning after – such a messy way to be alive. Get mesmerized by it.

All that is yours.

This is you. 

Meet yourself. 

Smile at yourself like you smile to strangers on the street. 

Think you’re weird, just like they do, and smile a bit more. 

Treat yourself to knowledge and experience. 

Or lazy living on movies and chocolate ice cream. 

Get to know yourself and check that on the list 

“Know the most about something” 

But you’re not just something. 

The stars and the moon and the sun are all living inside you. 

People are trying to swallow them just to follow the beat of your heart. 

And you don’t have to show it.

You need to know it. 

And only good things will come out of it. 

        Sara, V.IX.XVII, 20:43 

At risk 


You can’t run after love ,

You can only let it find you .

Cause when my kisses burn your chest ,

There can’t be something else around you .
You can’t take love out of your soul ,

Out , in the rusty winter nights ,

Cause reality would scare it .

I think that’s why we’re blinder than the blind .
I came to tell you something .

But you were spinning in that chair ,

In the room from my heart , where only you could live ,

While you were smoking a cigarette with my name written on it .
I only came to kiss you , tell you a ” goodnight ” ,

But my words became drowning waves in my soul ,

The way the waves use to drown at shore ,

And that’s why

I only said goodbye …

 

25.05.2016 , Me .

#poem404


In worlds of old  ,

When nights are cold  ,

I’m wandering without you 

On streets of bitterness and rain .

I’m walking with the heart on sleeves ,

Slowly ,

Sensing a warm breeze .

Getting drunk , 

Making love with people passing by me .

Touching every idea ,

Letting it make a shiver 

From my being . 

Thunder ,

Lightning ,

Slowly getting out of you .

The soul and life I sensed before got eaten –

It’s like a deja vú .

So come 

While growing old with me ,

Get closer to the edge .

Together ,

Being still apart 

With love , starting to dissolve in art 

For that world of old ,

Where nights get cold 

While we’re wandering without us . 
28. Jan. 2017 , 00:00 . Me

#dailyhealing 


Yes , it’s hard to get over it …cause there are so many plans you had and so many others you wanted to have and make real . There are so many insecurities gotten qualities , so many thoughts that get you through the day , or over it . So many feelings building up inside your chest , sometimes unable to stay inside and behave , but run outside and crawl right up your gut until you want to pour love over the world and watch it blossom right under your eyes – weird isn’t it , that we need a person to see these things ? 

 You get it and you keep it . It becomes a need and you want all of it . You want the showers taken with those hands on your waist , touching the tattoos and all the dots full of tickle on your body . The warm clothes , hands , or feelings to dress up with . Empty streets tracing the sound of the town in your ears , soft love whispers and childish moments that get to be laughed at and even smiled from the cheeks . Packs of cigarettes and drinks gone in a rush of vulnerable talks . 

 And then it’s gone . Or starting to fade … you feel the walls getting closer and like it when it rains cause there’s nature to cry with you . You have cozy pillows to keep you safe at night , blankets to cover all your moods , keeping them inside so you don’t fall apart and bears to hug when the sound of the other heartbeat is gone . You take that poor bear everywhere with you … only so the fragile , sensitive , shy heart – that he used to talk about and loved so much – is kept together . 

 It’s a blessing and a curse in the same time .

 So why not just live it until they leave it ? Why not be happy with all that ? Have enough , know you’re enough , go over the limits and get to be scared , in the moment . In that specific period … without thinking it goes away or wanting to keep it for yourself forever . Be . Love . Feel . Enjoy those little subtle parts and get to see the world blossom under your eyes , without the help of other eyes and a heartbeat . Keep it for your own and let the heart beat on it . 

You don’t have to get over it , you can live with it and keep it in a memory . You don’t have to get over it , you can cry – without forgetting you’re human . Without forgetting you have a heart .

 No matter what , don’t forget about your heart . Cause there will be more people who can show you what love is , but they need something to pour that on . They want your heart , but you need to take theirs with being alive still , after all the bad and wrong that happened. Cause ” we are humans , drunk on the idea that love , and only love could heal our brokenness ” . And we can make that for ourselves . 
17. Jan. 2017 , 

Sara 

Aș vrea să îți fac o poză cât se poate de mișcată în liniștea ta,  

Că poate atunci sufletu’ mi-o sta pe loc și n-o mai tremura. 

Mâinile îmi ard și amorțesc de iubire,  

Mi te lași cunoscut, iar eu mă pierd pe mine.  

28.10.’16,  5:47 am 

#latenighthoughts 

I want to be the colour on your canvas. I want to love you until I get to be part of you.  I want to get in your blood,  do you understand?  I want to visit every blood cell of your body until I get to the heart,  and make a safe place for me in there. I want to go to you brain,  and take my time to put our memories in all the little cracks .  I’ll get to your soul and I’ll send away the demons that made a home from it. I’ll put a fire inside.    
And after I come out I want to trace the maps by connecting the moles and the marks I’ve left on your skin ,  the maps of all the places I’ve traveled inside you and kiss you so hard that your skin will start to burn  and to tickle every nerve of your body,  until you get warm inside. And it’s not going to be from the demons you had anymore, cause they made you blind and took the essence from your soul , turning you stone cold.  You’ll know it’s from the rusty look I give you , from the way your skin darkens at my touch and your lips clench, from my tired whispers and my hungry kisses.  

You’ll know it’s from me. 

And only then,  you’ll believe me when I say it,  how hard and devastatingly much I love you,  inside out.  

Me.  9/10/2016,  3:46 am 

Deep inside 

Show me the parts of yourself that you don’t want to be known.  

Show me the unexpected part of you,  like how you act when you’re mad  or how your face turns red from the veins pressured by blood when you’re angry.  Look me right in the eyes and let me see that desperate look of ” I can’t handle it anymore ” before you hit the wall and watch the anger getting out through every drop of nerves flickering  from your scars.  

Show me how you tremble and shake late at night from a bad dream and let me take your fear away right in that moment.  Look me in the eyes without thinking of it when your hands or legs go numb and let me whisper the most passionate looks in the most gentle way.  Until I get you to the point where you have to close your eyes “damn”ing  my name in your mind,  clenching your lips so I can’t hear it.  

Let me see you expecting the guilt to overwhelm your brain after pouring the anger inside you on everyone’s hands and the way you look down after the red spots to trace them.  How you make them dissappear with apologies read in your eyes.  

Show me the way you throw yourself in the chair when I put a blanket on you and let me light up the cigarettes .  Show me how you read a good,  interesting book which really catches you,  but not as much as you can’t give me a look in between the pages and smile like you could see the novel in my eyes.  

Show me the way you want to become a dot,  to forget about everything and anyone and finally dissappear, in the moments you feel like crying but you dont know why. How the autumn gets in your soul and you give me those rusty looks before placing your head on my chest,  sometimes softly humming songs to you until you fall asleep.  Then when you wake up after it,  how bad you want to have someone in your arms for not feeling lonely and start to call my name with a husky voice when you don’t see me next to you.  How the warmth flows in your soul when you notice my shadow entering the room with a smell of coffee, and you sigh letting me know.  Then I’ll sit comfortably next to you, and I’ll listen to the reasons that make you feel so bad.  

Show me the part of you that hates little kids,  but loves to play with the  little sister who makes your coffee in the morning and how your voice tames when you take care of her.  

Let me know you’re gentle and careful and loving,  even if your father tought you that boys are not allowed to cry.  You don’t look stupid for any one of them.  

Show me the bad,  unexpected, scary,  hopeless,  angry,  weak,  full of fears ,  loving,  overwhelmed,  gentle ,  caring,  beautiful,  interesting,  weird parts of yourself and please… Let me love you still.  

Me,  8/10/2016.  

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